Krista Diane Bautista
- How We Are
- Jul 8, 2020
- 2 min read
Second to Last Day of Pride Month
Listening to Polo G -THE GOAT on Spotify
A little over 3 months into worldwide quarantine and social distancing. None of this is new to me in concept as I have been social distancing and isolating for months now.
Hope is a resource that I am rationing. I am socially, morally and soon to be financially bankrupt. All my social media accounts are gone. No contact with the people that I enjoyed interacting with. No support or the illusion of support from kind digital strangers. No flow, no synergy to plan and organize mass actions and protests and an ever-disintegrating brain. I am burnt out during this pandemic and have been running on fumes for far too long now.
My energy is gone, and my spirit is wasting away. I am operating on a limited amount of time and I have been neglected and have neglected myself for years. Healing takes so much time, more time than I have.
All the efforts I have made to stay hopeful are able to be taken away so quick. I am using this time to build up my strength, I am going to need it come November.
I keep my therapy appointments, I try to stay away from malicious people that want me to hurt, I am setting boundaries and not feeling guilty, I am eating healthier, I am managing my vices, I am seeing a chiropractor, I am seeing an acupuncturist, I am using a cane but I will not ever be whole again.
I am looking forward to a me 2.0. I am looking forward to the future because my present and past have nothing for me but lessons.
I want to keep living. I want to see what happens after all of this. I want to see a united and equitable world. I want to be independent and not need anyone to take care of me even though I still need so much care.
The paranoia keeps me hyper-vigilant. I think old friends have become informants. I think that I am being followed and monitored because of a letter I received with no return address. I could be wrong. I could be right.
Either way, I have no answers, no safety, and no clue why I keep doing this work.
I think Schizophrenia is the manifestation of fear pathologized. I think we would not have so much fear if we had more understanding. I think we would have more understanding if people made the choice to listen to each other and meet each other where they are at. I think we would have more spiritual leaders if we did not throw them all on the street.
I want to see a system that serves all the world’s people, not just the rich white majority. I want to see worldwide direct action and mutual aid. What could we achieve if the world’s greatest minds shared knowledge and worked together without fear?
Dear Readers,
I do hope everyone is doing well.
I have a lot of updates, but don't have the desire to put them all here currently. As soon as I decide on an official new digital home, I'll place a link. I've been deplatformed on everything, bank accounts drained, the whole nine yards and more.
It's been a nightmare since I left social media for good, but I'm fighting for privacy and peace of mind.
Please take good care of yourselves, and each other.
It seems that everything falls apart and comes together simultaneously. maybe it’s because we’re just energy, just clusters of cells, breathing in and breathing out. Miss you, dear Krista. I want to know how you’re doing. Please keep writing and sharing your story.
Update/ Erratum:
Recently, I received in-person feedback on this blog post.
After reading it with new eyes, I find it important to emphasize that I have never been diagnosed with Schizophrenia nor have I ever experienced any symptoms of Schizophrenia.
I wrote this piece in mind with a question that my X's Mother asked about this disorder years ago. She didn't know what it actually was. I wrote this with that question in mind.
Sorry for any confusion, this was my first attempt at writing about something a as a reference to something else.
I didn't have the time to edit when I wrote this piece, and I don't have the time to edit more than one draft now.
First…
I’m always glad to know you’re still with us. <3
Dear Krista,
I tried to grow an onion from the root end. I may have accidentally tried to grow it from the stem end. A grocery store onions ends look the same on both sides. I cleaned out my fridge on Saturday. Onion skins flew out like moths from lampshade.
This hollowed out feeling reminds me of those onion skins--hard to organize. Hard to pin down. But your dreams of empathy and justice are either side of the ends. Turns out, with a little water, you can both ends grow.